i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
