Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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