I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
