I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
