How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
