I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have already put on my inside pants.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
