you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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