I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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