i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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