this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
