I have demons in me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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