So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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