Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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