I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
