it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
