got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
