I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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