Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
