you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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