I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
