Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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