is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
