I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
