the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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