My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
