I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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