she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
