Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
