plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
try to milk me bitch
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