we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
