I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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