Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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