i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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