the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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