stop calling my apartment porn island.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
