From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
