Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
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