its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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