My cat gives me a boner
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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