One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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