dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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