overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
