tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
