when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
