I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You are the jesus of drinking
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
