my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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