yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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