Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
