I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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