I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
