Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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