omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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