just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
